Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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