ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
