420 ftw
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
