No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
