so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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