she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
