omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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