I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
