I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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