Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I look better un-naked...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
