great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
