You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
