there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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