I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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