My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
