i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
