There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
