She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
