Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
there is glitter all over my balls
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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