i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Houston, we have a blender
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
