Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize