True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
