I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
