i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
