I'm so fucking centered right now
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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