Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
