I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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