If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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