What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
