she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
