i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
