my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
