i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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