Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
