So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
