I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
