my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
