Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
