so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
