doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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