he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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