I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
