tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
