your parents love me but you hate me
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
