Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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