You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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