Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
