broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
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Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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