I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
