The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
