i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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