The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my shit smells like andre
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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