We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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