Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
