nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
