I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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