3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
