This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
