Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
